So, here’s Joe’s brief review of the top 10 Songs of 2012 (Sticking to the yelp rules of no half stars and no zero stars allowed.):
1 – Gotye – Somebody That I Used to Know: This song is totally whiny to me and lacks balls. 2/5 stars.
2 – Carly Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe: She’s joined the brotherhood of people with three names, along with Lee Harvey Oswald and John Wilkes Booth. This time, she’s assassinated my ears. I hate this song. It’s everything I can’t stand about pop music. Probably my least favorite on the list. I can’t get to #10 fast enough. 1/5 stars.
3 – Fun – We Are Young: I actually don’t find this song audibly offensive, except that it’s overplayed like crazy and it gets old FAST. It’s very 2 dimensional. 2/5 stars.
4 – Maroon 5 – Payphone: Man. Maroon 5 used to be pretty awesome. Now they’re just crashing and burning. 2/5 stars.
5 – Ellie Goulding – Lights: Again, pretty typical pop stuff. Not as bad as “Call Me Maybe.” She’s kind of hot. 2/5 stars.
6 – The Wanted – Glad You Came: What do I hate more than an American boy band? An English boy band. You may be glad I came, but please stay on your side of the Atlantic. 1/5 stars.
7 – Kelly Clarkson – What Doesn’t Kill You: Meh. Sounds like all the other songs on this list. But hey, DFW represent! And she’s also pretty hot. 2/5 stars.
8 – Rihanna – We Found Love: No thanks. I’ll pass. If I had a dime for each time she repeats “we fell in love in a hopeless place” I’d be a millionaire. In fact, I think that’s why she’s a millionaire. I’ll bet that’s in her contract.* Obnoxious. 1/5 stars.
9 – Nicki Minaj – Starships: This song is friggin’ noise with shitty lyrics. It has no redeeming qualities. Just shoot me. 1/5 stars. Enough said. (If you can’t identify the instruments, they probably aren’t real.)
10 – One Direction – What Makes You Beautiful: Another boy band from across the Atlantic. Didn’t Enrique Iglesias do this song two years ago anyway? 1/5 stars.
In case you’re wondering, the first song on the Billboard 100 from this year that I can stomach (i.e. – 3/5 stars) is probably LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It.” And up to #69 (Coldplay – Paradise) until I find a song I actually find “iPod worthy.” I know the Billboard 100 certainly doesn’t make it easy to see this, but please note that Coldplay ACTUALLY makes albums.
* – I’m fully expecting to get a legal notice requesting royalties for using the phrase “we fell in love in a hopeless place” in this blog posting.